dear god,

it's been a long while since we've talked. i have this immense feeling of surrender and resentment for things I'll never understand. it's this constant tug-of-war with myself struggling to make sense of how things work, past decisions, future mistakes, and present consequences.

my mind is already saying goodbye, but my heart is still so enraptured in the beauty before me...

i'm torn.
something very big is about to happen in my life as you well know, and i just....
afghanistan in april. 17 months. picking up my rifle and shooting someone who i never knew. spilling blood of someone with a mother and father, and someone who is probably just as confused as myself. you've given me a strong heart and mind, but do you think i can handle this?

i'm strong. i'm independent. i'm apathetic enough to get me through life, but this? will the memories haunt me for the rest of my life? will i become a completely different person? will i come home?

God, I'm not scared. I'm not scared of most things, and fear has never really been in my vocabulary. I'm not scared of war, I'm not scared of things unknown, and I'm not scared of the things before me. But will I have this constant ache for more?

always.

i've always believed in the power of words, but now i will learn the power of a hand grenade.

please remember me.

i'm well overdue for a miracle.

slapstick.

"I have had some experiences with love, or think I have, anyway, although the ones I have liked best could easily be described as 'common decency.' I treated somebody well for a little while, or maybe even for a tremendously long time, and that person treated me well in return. Love need not have anything to do with it.

Also: I cannot distinguish between the love I have for people and the love I have for dogs.

When a child, and not watching comedians on film or listening to comedians on the radio, I used to spend a lot of time rolling around on rugs with uncritically affectionate dogs we had.

And I still do a lot of that. The dogs become tired and confused and embarassed long before I do. I could go on forever.

...

Love is where you find it. I think it is foolish to go looking for it, and I think it can often be poisonous.

I wish that people who are conventionally supposed to love each other would say to each other, when they fight, 'Please--a little less love, and a little more common deceny.'

--Kurt Vonnegut.