I mailed out my story today. Spent so much money on postage and packing supplies, but when someone finally discovers how absolutely brilliant I am, I'll just buy the post office.

I've really been busting ass lately, and I feel like I've found a new direction for my life recently. I am so excited about it. I've been itching to travel, and recently my life has presented me with those opportunities. I've embraced the fact that you can't totally plan your life, and that the journey is more important than the destination.

I'm learning to love myself and the young woman I'm becoming, and it's such a good feeling. Not every aspect of my life is this good, but I realize nothing can ever be perfect.

My boyfriend loves me too much, and this is actually a predicament. I love him too much to let him go, but I love myself too much to stay. I've always been a pretty indecisive person.

I want to go horseback riding. I haven't done that in a while, and I miss it so much. 2011 has so much to offer me, and I can't wait.

eyelids weighed down with regret, all i wanted was a way out.

31 days until i see my little brother. it's been so long, and i miss him.
i haven't written in ages, but i have a plethora of ideas. what's stopping me from putting pen to paper?
i found a job in boston that suites me perfectly. i'm keeping my fingers crossed for that one, and i haven't made a wish in a long time.
with the recent death of my grandfather, i've noticed my grandmother's weaknesses. her hands tremble constantly, and she wears around his flannel shirts like a second skin. sometimes, i even hear her talking to him. i don't think she's losing it though, because i think love can penetrate anything. even clouds, atmospheres and limbos.
i bought a windchime today to remind me to believe in things i can't see.

and even now, some days i still wish i was going off to war, to detonate bombs, to be a part of some twisted salvation, and to possibly return some invisible hero that they never see again.

i wanna make love to you in the cemetery. in between the headstones and disturbed earth. with the stars painting us a picture and our heavy breaths echoing off the cold slabs of concrete. i wanna dig my fingernails into the dirt when it gets to be too much, but mostly i want to whisper in your ear

never let me go.

i'm lonely.

a busy girl without time to take a breath, and all i want is to slow down and take a moment to remember. i miss you papaw. today's your birthday, and it feels weird not celebrating it with you.

my heart feels so heavy with what i'm about to do.

i get to see my brother on labor day weekend. i haven't seen him since my grandfather's funeral.

i miss his sense of humor, i miss his laugh, i miss making fun of his skinny jeans, i miss the way he always understood what i meant.

hang in there anthony, i'll be there soon. please keep trying.
i know you're somewhere out there.

shh.

there's so many things left unsaid.

I wish every moment felt like this. I haven't felt this care-free and elated in a very long time. There are still a lot of repairs needed in my life, but I'm sleeping soundly tonight knowing that my chat with the man in the moon was finally heard.

I still miss you and think of you often, but "nothing gold can stay." Rest in peace all you lovely souls, and know that this smile is for you.

i'm leaving for the weekend for a trip out to ohio. it'll be refreshing to get a change of scenery, but i still feel something's missing. i've been talking a lot to my grandpa in my thoughts. it sounds crazy i know, but sometimes i think he can hear me up there. and just last week i thought i caught a whiff of his pipe, but it was nothing more than a memory. i wonder what advice he'd have for me now. and what he'd say to my grandma if he had one last chance.

and papaw, if you're reading this now, she still misses you.

the fight for you is all i've ever known
so come home.

anthony

you're all i have left. i feel as if i lost you a long time ago, but am just now realizing it.

it's 1:16am, i can't sleep, haven't slept for days, and i ran out of tears just like i'm running out of words.

this is by far the hardest thing i have ever gone through in my entire life, and all i can do is type out some hopeless paragraphs on an internet blog that no one in particular reads.

i'm losing more of my little brother each second, literally, and nothing seems important anymore. everything has lost its luster and charm, and even the air i'm breathing feels stale. is this what it feels like to lose the only person you have left? because it's pretty goddamn shitty.

if i lose him.....

anthony

surely this curiousity will kill me. this constant nagging of needing answers to everything, when sometimes the answers just don't exist. i wonder if he's alright, if he's strong enough to handle this, and i wonder if he knows how much we love him. i'm curious if he knows how hard i tried to be brave older sister, the strong, reliable, and responsible one. i wonder if he knows how much i fought for him.

and in the end, all i remain curious about is when do you have to stop fighting for a life that isn't yours?

-my brother is leaving on thursday.
-this funeral is really getting to me.
-i've had this certain sadness about me lately that i can't get to go away.
-i wish life were much simpler.

consider this an update on one of the worst weeks of my life.

all i wanted was you.