I really miss my grandpa. Growing up he always called me "Papaw's pretty girl." It's funny because growing up, I definitely was not a "pretty girl." I was chubby with lots of freckles, a huge gap between my front teeth, and always found a way to get dirty. My papaw always found a way to make me feel like the prettiest little girl in the world though, even in my 20s.

My dad is getting laid off. He almost cried telling me about it last week. I can't wait to hug him this weekend. I really miss seeing him and hanging out with him. He makes fun of literally everyone, me included, but he's one of the few people that can always make me laugh when I'm feeling down. I wish I could make him laugh again. There's so many things I'd say to him if I could find a way to put it in words. I love you, Dad.

I just want to get away. I'm literally so overwhelmed that one night last week, I put a song on repeat, put my headphones on and fell asleep crying because I don't know what else to do. Talking about it doesn't do anything, crying is pointless and changes nothing but I just reached  a point where I couldn't stop. I just desperately need a change or I have to be the change myself.

It's been awhile. I read through some of my older blogs, and I'm not even sure if those words are the same person I am today. I finally stopped writing about my brother. It only took four years, but he is finally gone. Gone in the sense that his spirit, who I've known him to be and who I loved, is buried and gone. So, I write now about me. I have finally learned that no one will live my life for me, and I have to stay focused and determined to be everything I've always wanted to be. And with that, I have said my goodbyes and a piece of my childhood is forever gone. 

The South is where I belong. I know that now, and it's wonderful. The culture, the people, the places. It's breathtaking. Nashville is just the tip of the South, and I can't wait to work my way down. For the longest time, I had my sights set on Boston, but I'm thinking a part of me wanted to shed that southern girl part of me. I've embraced it, and my accent and plaid aren't going anywhere. There are so many historic places in Tennessee, and I've learned a lot about the Civil War just by being here. I've always been a bit of a history nerd, but something about living in a new place and wanted to know its story makes me seek it out more. My favorite place in Nashville is actually a trail. It's at a beautiful park called Percy Warner. I've only been on the trail a handful of times, but each time I go, I feel something different. I haven't told anyone about it, because I know it sounds crazy, and I want it to be special only to me. It's selfish not to share such a beautiful place, but it's serenity, and I'm being selfish. 

I have picked up running again. I haven't seriously ran since about my sophomore year of undergrad. I'm so out of shape, but getting sweaty and having a destination is a great feeling and I've missed it. It's also been wonderful therapy. I've made a goal to run a mini in the spring. I'm looking forward to it. I've been seriously slacking on my writing. I started this incredible project, but lost my inspiration pretty early on. It's no excuse. I decided to actually write this project the old fashioned way. So with pencil and paper, I started this journey. Hit a roadblock, a writer's block, but got the notes out about a week ago and reread everything from start to finish. I can tell my writing style has already changed from a few months ago. I've heard that a writer never really writes at their best until their mid 40s. I can see why. My voice is constantly molding and growing, and I'm using this as an excuse as to why I haven't written a best seller yet. 

I'm still figuring out the love aspect of my life. I'll probably always just be feeling around in the dark on this one, but I'm really okay with that. People always say "Oh, but it's so nice to have someone to spend the rest of your life with," and that's true. But I spend my life with lots of people. People who influence me, change me, love me, challenge me, and make me the luckiest person. So, if in the end I'm not married with children and my cape cod on the coast, I think I'll be more than fine. My life has been shared with everyone who has ever been a part of it, and will continue to be. 

Not too long ago someone told me that they loved the "idea" of me. It was unexpected but really made me question things about myself. Who wants to be just an idea? I was confused by the intent so I left it alone. Am I such a faraway "thought" that I'm no more than an idea? Am I that distant and unrealistic to be nothing more than a fictional love? I'm sure this person meant no harm, but it made me think about all of the people I've kept at arm's length. I know no one reads this blog, but I am so sorry to anyone I have shut out. I see people like my grandma who have lost almost everything. The love of her life, her house, her memory, and yet she's one of the happiest people to be around. Maybe it's the loss of her memory that makes her forget her sadness, but her outlook and perspective is so untouchable and pure. It makes me cry thinking about it. Here I sit, a privileged young woman with a life full of opportunity and people who make me feel loved, yet I have such a hard time loving in return. I'm clumsy with my emotions, I'm flighty, I'm stubborn, I'm doubtful, and I'm a pain in the ass. My grandma is slowly losing her life, yet she has more of it in her pinky finger than I have gathered in all my 25 years. 

I may seem like I'm obsessed with my dog, and that is 100% accurate. Cooper is my best friend, my lifeline, my family. I found him last March and my life honestly hasn't been the same since. I've had other pets when I was younger, but this was different. He was my first pet as an adult and the first "person" that depended on me wholly. I'm not really a dependable person, so to have someone like Cooper follow my every step, wag his tail, and stare at me with his huge puppy eyes, made me understand unconditional love even more. He loves me each and every day as if I'm the most perfect person in his world. It's amazing. He sleeps with me every night in my bed, watches movies with me on the couch on rainy nights, and he totally invades my personal space all the time and I act annoyed when I really love it. He's been with me through some of the toughest times in my life, and I have cried into his fur and he knows. We're growing up together, and I think we're the cutest little family. 

Also, I have had the song "Slow it Down" by the Lumineers on repeat for at least the last 2 months. I don't even know what it means, and I don't really care. It just fits me. And I love it.