I finally started going to counseling to help cope with my brother's addiction. I only wish that he would do the same, but it's the only thing I have found left that's still in my control. I don't know how to feel anymore or what to do. I've been holding on to all this resentment, anger, extreme sorrow, and I honestly feel like he's dead and gone. It has completely taken over certain aspects of my life. It's made me an angry, bitter person because other families get to be happy and healthy, and mine can barely make it through the next 24 hours. It's made me unmotivated to truly do anything in my life for fear I might miss the one moment he needs me or makes a change in his life. I used to be this fun, outgoing and very driven individual, but somewhere along the way I've fallen off track in this journey to save my brother. It completely consumes me sometimes. It manifests itself in ways that totally push people out of my life. This constant worry and stress causes me to lash out on the people I care about the most, and ultimately change who I am as a person. At this point, I'm struggling with the realization that my brother's future is either dying alone or spending his life in prison. I'm not sure what I'm looking for anymore, but instead of just talking to someone and trying to make them understand, I'd rather someone talk to me for once. I'd rather someone talk to me and I listen. I need someone to tell me how to feel, how to love an addict without killing them, how to not have nightmares of seeing him with needles in his arms, how to not look through old photos of us as kids with him sitting in my lap and completely fall apart. I need someone to talk me through this. My parents are just as clueless as I am, my best friend is wonderful and truly tries to be there for me but it's nothing I haven't heard before "It's not your fault", "It's not him, Michelle; it's the drugs," etc., My boyfriend of 3 years had unfortunately met me in the very beginning of this mess and even more unfortunately, saw me transform into this person I never wanted to be. There's only so much support a person has to give and eventually time runs out. My brother's addiction has consumed my life in more ways than one. I'll never forget who he was and who he could have been. I never knew how important those moments would be when we were younger until our relationship became a memory.