my brother is a drug addict. he swallows pills. he sticks syringes in his forearms.

my baby brother, the same one who used to push hotwheels under my bedroom door so it would jam. the same baby brother who got stuck with his foot in the toilet. the same baby brother who used to play guitar, skateboard, wrestle, play baseball, and be alive.

my baby brother is a drug addict.

he steals from other people to make extra cash. with the cash, he buys whatever he can find. he then breaks it up into smaller doses and sells it for even more than he paid. with that sum of money, he then buys ectasy and heroine for his personal use.

he's only 18.

he's homeless. i haven't seen him in a while. i also haven't slept in a while.

he looks you straight in the eyes, but you know he isn't there anymore. he looks through you, like he's just anticipating his next hit. he looks at me like we didn't grow up together.

i'm watching a movie of his life crashing right before my eyes, and there's absolutely nothing i can do except sit on the edge of my seat and watch for the next scene.

with every day that goes by, with every needle in his arm, with every hit, with every night he finally falls asleep, i'm losing sight of my own life.

my baby brother is my very best friend. we've always been there for each other through everything. i don't know him anymore.

i wake everyday with the immediate sensation that he's gone. i've lost sight of my religion, my spirituality, my faith. those things used to mean so much to me.

i stopped by a church last week and didn't even know where to begin. mercy is what we all need. grace is what i wish for.

my little brother is a drug addict.

god, i miss you so much. i'll never stop loving you. i still believe in you.

if you ever leave me behind, i will never forgive you. please don't leave me. please.