north winds.

i've never held a gun before. i don't know what a real one feels like, and i probably never will. i imagine it feels heavier than it looks, and maybe the metal is cold at first. blood tastes like metal and so i guess even if you pressed it against your temple, it'd still have this sour taste like you'd pulled the trigger right on your tongue.

i've never stood on the edge of a bridge before. there are signs on the bridges here, and they go unnoticed unless you plan on jumping off. i'd suppose you'd see them then. you'd probably take in every minute detail of your shitty life. you'd hear the lapping waves of the river below, and you'd calculate in your head how long until you hit the water.

i've never tied a rope around my neck. the splinters in the braid probably dig into your neck, and the itching must be terrible. your neck usually breaks first, and what happens when someone changes their mind? do they hold themselves up and yell for help until their arms get tired? or do they just close their eyes and hope it doesn't hurt that bad when they kick the chair out?

i've never overdosed on medication. most people take them lying down, because dying that was seems easier to most. and i always pictured it as this slow process. perhaps the worst, because you've got at least 5 minutes to think about what you just did and why. and there's always the hope that your stomach gets pumped in time, because you know secretly everyone hopes just for a moment that someone finds them in time.

i've never done these things, and i probably never will. but all things considered, am i any more alive than the kid who has a mouth full of hot metal? any more alive than the man floating face down towards the shore? any more alive than the woman dangling above the coffee table? any more fucking alive than the girl crumpled in the sheets?

well hell.
sometimes i don't know.